Everybody has at one point of time experienced very strong feelings about something that leaves them paralyzed. These feelings range from utter helplessness to very severe dilemmas. It can leave you depressed for days at once, and you may see no light at the end of the tunnel. These situations range from that of being in a relationship, to situations at home and work, to very strong urge to do something towards somebody. This is a part of the human psyche that may be termed as “your personal demons”. I will just give you an example of what I went through in the recent part of my life.
I lost my last job because of some technical reasons that led my manager to decide that I should look for some other opportunity. In the middle of this I was dealing with some chronic illness that I had contracted over a period of time. I was working in a city that was mostly unknown to me without much to fall back in times of trouble. My family, my wife and son, were living in some other town. I had planned that I would get them here as and when I settled down and got stable, but that was not to be. So I returned back to the city where I had spent a major part of my career.
Back in the town, I started looking for a job at the same time undergoing the treatment for my illness. The treatment helped but did not get me completely well and up and running. I decided to move to my hometown for further treatment as my treatment required the presence of some attendant and my wife was in a full time job, which was our only source of income. My mother was in a job so she could not have left our hometown, but it was easier to get somebody to look after me there.
While I was there, I started working on some freelance projects, and at the same time started applying for some full-time jobs while undergoing my treatment. I got multiple opportunities but the final selection remained jinxed. I came back to the city where I used to work and me and my wife started my family life again, with me nothing much to do than applying for jobs and staying back at home. Again the leads were very less and I did not land into a full time job. More than three years had passed without me landing up in a job.
While all these things happened, my father, who was footing quite a part of our finances, including that for our son’s education, remained put in our hometown. He and my mother were not willing to move with us. My wife wanted to stay in the city where she had her job, and did not give returning to our hometown a thought. In between my father .sometimes hinted on his ability to meet our expenses, and there were routine tiffs on the extra expenditure he had to bear, which stemmed more out of his frustration.
It was a difficult time for me. I was stuck in a town where there was no source of income, both my parents and wife were adamant about not leaving their respective towns, and I had noting to do during my entire part of stay in our city. I knew that my father was paying through his and my mother’s pension, which was not too huge and I am sure that he was doing all this under tremendous pressure. I tried to unite the family so that we can reach some common ground, but nobody at my home was ready to buy my point of view, each happily or unhappily sticking to their guns. And I was finding spending my free time daily with the passage of time as I had no meaningful occupation.
I was not very hopeful that some miracle would happen and things will just fall in place. I tried at logic and reason but could not barter inner peace for myself.I kept vacillating between multiple desires – to start a business, to make a career shift, move with everything to my hometown, getting that continuous source of income, and keeping my cool between the daily turmoil that I was going through. I felt depressed and out of sorts at times. Sometimes I would get utterly frustrated with the kind of life I was leading. But all this seemed to be ongoing with no solution in the near future.
I had my son who had just stared building his career and he needed me to with him. Then I had my old retired parents in our hometown, who sooner or later would need somebody to take care of them. Then we have huge house in our native with nobody to look after apart from my parents as of now. I did not now who will look after them or the house when the age made them somewhat disabled. There was no discussion going on all these lines within my family. I thought that it was time we took some concrete decisions while the others, I think, left it for the last. I still find it tough to decide what should be the next step. It looks like I am the only person who is worried about all the current and forecasted and viable future. Some times I am surprised, sometimes dismayed.
All my demons haunting me all the time. I know we will all have to reach a conclusion, but I do not know when this will happen. I do not know how long would my dad, who has multiple health issues live, and what will happen after that. I do not even know if they think about all this as I never get a clear reply when I ask. I do not know who will take care of the house in our hometown or what will happen to that when both of them have passed away. Given the current situation, I do not know if ever I will have a stable source of income.
Just a situation. Multiple demons. My demons. Just to give you a perspective. I am sure you my be facing them. I guess, time to do some soul searching, realize them, understand them and come to terms with them so that you can have inner peace. I know it may not be easy, but we need to look at the entire situation rationally, do some gain and loss analysis, do a strength and weakness analysis of your self, and try to look at the near future, at least the next 5-7 years and come up with a concrete plan. I know easier said than done, but that are the human demons, our personal demons.